Editor’s note: any resemblance between the author’s nom de plume and the famous young seductress of literary and screen fame is purely intentional.

by Lola

Friday is “Diamond (Hot) Dog Day.” Which definition* of hot dog works best for the day’s planned lunchtime festivities? Is a hot dog:

a) a frankfurter?

b) a sandwich consisting of a frankfurter in a split roll, usually eaten with mustard, sauerkraut, or relish, and a side of potato chips or French fries — and washed down with a beer?

c) a person who performs complex, showy, and sometimes amazing maneuvers, i.e., a show-off?

d) an informal expression of great joy or delight?

If you guessed “c” you’re right! That’s because I’m expecting some dazzling feats of cooking to satiate my taste for hot dogs. Anything less than the perfect dog will be dangerous to life expectancy of the OU-COM short-order chef (does the threat of organ plasticization mean anything to you?).

Hot dogs are, after all, a great American delicacy. (See that graphic, guys? That’s what I want my dogs to look like! Presentation is soooo important!!) And I’m not the only one with great expectations.

Ever since the word about Diamond Dog Day began spreading through the offices and halls of the college, one could sense an air of great anticipation building within. Some have confided that for the first time in their lives they were eager for a (mustard-laden) Friday the 13^th to arrive. Some have wowed me with stories of olfactory-driven delusions of grilled dogs dancing delightfully in their daydreams. And, others … well, okay, enough fantasies. Here are some facts about hot dogs.

On average, Americans eat 60 hot dogs every year. Between Memorial Day and Labor Day more than seven billion hot dogs will be eaten, two billion of which will be downed in July — National Hot Dog Month. July 4^th is the #1 hot dog eating day of year. This year the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council says about 155 million will be consumed on that holiday. By the way, New York City ranks #1 for the sale of retail (supermarket) hot dogs. But in 2004 more hot dogs were eaten in Wrigley Field than in Yankee Stadium. (Take that New York!)

“Hot dog” according to my extensive Google-aided research originated with the sports cartoonist Tad Dorgan. At the very beginning of the 20^th Century at the Polo Grounds in New York, the “hot dachshund sausage in a roll” was sold during baseball games. According to lore, Dorgan heard from his spot in the press box these first hot dog hawkers shouting, “Get your dachshund sausages while they’re red hot!” He deftly sketched a cartoon of the scene but didn’t know how to spell dachshund so he shortened it to “hot dog.”

It’s a good thing he did. Imagine asking for some sauerkraut or onions on your “dachshund sausage?” Doesn’t that just so effortlessly roll off the tongue? I didn’t think so.

But according to my impeccably credentialed archaeological experts, hot dogs have been found perfectly preserved in the tombs of Tutankhamen, Unas and Hotepsekhemwy (yes, these are real pharaohs!) as well as in shrines to Ahmen Ra. Doesn’t a hot dog seems like a very suitable snack to enjoy while making the journey into the after life or offering to make to a god? As further proof of the hot dog’s ancient origins, Egyptologists say that it has recently become known that the original riddle of the Sphinx was “what is the hot dog made of?”

Returning to the present day, starting at noon today on the Irvine Bricks is OU-COM’s first hot dog fest — Diamond Dog Day. The cost is a meager $2 per dog, which includes chips and a drink. (No, not that kind of drink!) You could bring your own root beer, which goes quite well with dogs. Are you old enough to remember when A&W stands dotted the land?

To add to the fun, a classic baseball game will be replayed on the big screen, and a baseball trivia game will be played. And don’t forget “Split-the-Pot” tickets will be sold up to noon.

But now back to the real meaty question first raised thousands of years ago: What are hot dogs made of? Scroll down for the answer …

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Do you really want to know?

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Why spoil a good thing?

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Some questions are still best answered with a Sphinx-like stare and silence.

*all hot dog facts and stats courtesy of www.factmonster.com and the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council